BARMY blaggers across Worcestershire and the West Midlands have come up with some decidedly dodgy excuses when trying to avoid paying their TV licence.

A list of implausible, real-life reasons given to TV Licensing enquiry officers for non-payment has been released and the results are hilarious.

Excuses in the region ranged from the dozy, “I only watch it when everyone is asleep so no-one knows I’m watching it” , to the saucy, “Sorry, I’m not wearing a bra, you’ll have to come back” and the downright fishy, “My goldfish watches it so I don’t need to pay.”

One person even claimed: “I haven’t been able to get to the shop. I’m getting over a fatal bike crash I was in.”

About 95 per cent of homes across the UK are correctly licensed but a small minority of people continue to try and play the system and get away without paying.

Mark Whitehouse, a TV Licensing spokesman for the West Midlands, said: “We are effective at catching evaders but it’s not surprising a few of those caught will try to avoid taking responsibility.

“Fewer than two per cent of households only watch catch up TV, so the vast majority of homes still need a TV licence.

“Some of the humour and originality in this year’s excuses provided a laugh for our enquiry officers and customer service centre staff, but behind every excuse is someone who has been caught watching or recording live TV without a licence.

“We would much rather people buy a TV Licence, which they can pay for either in one go, or in smaller weekly or monthly instalments, than make a fanciful excuse and face prosecution and a fine of up to £1,000.”

Consultant Psychologist Kerry Daynes explains why people make up excuses rather than tell the truth.

“We tell little white lies all the time, usually to lubricate passage through our daily lives and often to make other people feel better”, she said.

“It is interesting that the more outlandish excuses have been judged by the evader as more socially acceptable, and therefore less embarrassing than the truth, whilst others may offer an extraordinary reason as a covert way of showing contempt.

“But even the most forgiving of people would struggle to be convinced by the one about the goldfish.”

A BBC spokesman added: “At just £2.80 a week per household the BBC provides excellent value for money. Low evasion rates are effectively saving each licence fee payer £15.”

The top 10 excuses given nationwide were:

1."My mum died.  She had a payment card. I’m going to a clairvoyant to ask her where she put her card." - Manchester

2. "My son lost his tooth and the next day we found the TV under the stairs. We thought it was a present from the Tooth Fairy so didn't need a TV Licence." - Carrickfergus

3. “My cousin is not here anymore, she used to pay it for me. And now she has left me. She was also my wife. I’ve lost my cousin and my wife in one go." - Unknown (via customer service centre)

4. "I don't need one because I'm Jesus Christ" - Bristol

5. "I don't use my TV to watch TV programmes.  I use it to hang my clothes so they dry." - Crawley

6. "My husband gave me the TV Licensing money and I spent it on my new Kurt Geiger shoes." - Sheffield

7. "I was told I didn't need a TV Licence because I haven't got a remote control." - Cardiff

8. “I couldn't afford to pay it as I had to get the cat neutered.” - Leicester

9. “I’m Australian and I only watch Home and Away and Neighbours, and I don't pay for a TV Licence in Australia, so I shouldn’t have to pay it here. Australia is 12 hours ahead, so it's not live here." - Glasgow

10. "The TV belongs to my dog.  He got it for Christmas.  Ask him to pay." - London